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My Brain is on Fire

I have approached my son's illness from many angles. He was born angry. The same screaming frustration I saw as an infant lives in his persona today. I spent his entire childhood seeking help from medical professionals. I tried anything just so he would feel better and hopefully could enjoy his life like other kids. And No I did not beat my son, but a lot of kids with mental illness are abused. I read about the abuse every day and I was given advice to beat him so he would behave. My son was abused at school and by therapists! These "professionals" I paid to help my son resorted to physical violence because they had no idea what to do with a child whose brain is on fire. Looking back and knowing what I know now these photographs intensely describe the inferno in my son's brain.

SCATTERSHOT

"There's a transcendental romance to mania, to this drawing together. And I believed that this music is true, that the scattershot visions of madness are holy".
David Lovelace, Scattershot, a memoir of a bipolar family.


David Lovelace talks about going off his meds (lithium) and the manic escapades that follow...
I understand his words and experiences. They mirror my household enough to feel some comfort.
I felt for the first time reading David's words that I understood my son and ex husband's minds traveling, swinging, cranking away while under the influence of their mania.


My 19 year old BP son is contemplating stopping all his psychiatric meds. He has been reading "Comfortably Numb, How Psychiatry Is Medicating A Nation", by Charles Barber. The book acknowledges his already uncomfortable feelings about the pharmaceutical industry.
Now my son has more ammunition to throw out to his psychiatrist that ghostwriters write the criteria to push medications ahead,which doctors then prescribe to BP patients like himself, not really knowing of its true efficacy.

"Are you Bipolar," he rages at me and his doctor. "Do you know how I feel?"

"I am tired of being a guinea pig for you people! You are not helping me", my son voices frequently.

I turned to pharmaceuticals in desperation to help my son now it is backfiring on me.

At the age of 6, his doctors began the search for the perfect "cocktail" to fix his then undiagnosed Pediatric Bipolar Disorder, adult medications are prescribed, (anti-depressants and mood stabilizers). Occupational therapy calmed him and treated sensory integration dysfunction for a short while, homeopathy (rescue remedy) calmed him as well especially after eating hydrogenated foods that he was constantly craving. The trans fats created more hyperactivity and aggressive behavior.

The private school he attended pushed for Ritalin.
His teacher believed he was ADHD. I changed schools.

I made an appointment with a pediatric neuorologist. ( see my blog post, The Long Road to Diagnosis)

After a negative sleep deprived EEG that does not detect seizure activity the MD states my son has "agitated depression" and that is why he tells us he wants to die. He prescribes an anti-depressant. Anti-depressants even though not well studied in children were the first line of defense in hopes my son could lead a "normal life".

The anti-depressants turned up the amplifier on my son's undiagnosed Juvenile Onset BP.

He still could not attend school because of the medication's side effects; drooling, chewing holes into his t-shirt collars and hanging upside down for hours to increase blood flow to his brain consumed his daily activities. I changed my work schedule to stay home with him.

The anti-depressants collided with his brain, severe unpleasant reactions occurred. We switched to a different anti-depressant. He climbed on the roof when I was trying to conduct business calls from home.

We stopped all medications. He became worse. The school was calling me almost every day to come and pick him up.

At age 7 he became so violent one day his Dad and I took him to the nearest psych ward. By the time we arrived he had calmed and they could not see that he was a threat to himself or others. We were referred to another psychiatrist and therapist.

So now, 11 years later, with an anti-psychotic, mood stabilizer and benzo prescribed my son has come to the conclusion his medications are what hold him back. For the last few months he threatens he will stop all of them.

The Bipolar Teen

I am having a lot of trouble coping with my "Bipolar Teen". He seems to be more moody, secretive and stubborn than my pre-teen.

When my son was little I could pick him up and dress him and make him go to school or to the dentist or where ever. Limit setting may have caused an upset but it usually worked to bring him "in-check".

Now I am facing a young man, stronger, taller and willful who refuses to do anything I ask.
A young man prone to violent "outbursts" and experimenting with "self-medicating".
A young man who calls me names, threatens me and tells me he hates me.

March mania came on in full force this year the end of January.
I always know it is coming but we still were not prepared. Before I knew it we were in crisis. Partially because we are experiencing some life changes that could not be avoided; a change in our residence plus what appears to be a major growth spurt for my son. In the last two weeks he has grown a full shirt size!

Thirty days ago I did what I hoped I would never have to do... I asked the judge to "Baker Act" him. Five hours after my request the sheriff arrived, handcuffed my son and drove him to the nearest mental health facility. I was heart broken.

The seventy two hours my son spent at the hospital seemed like an eternity. He was angry with me at first and probably angry with himself. He made good choices when another in patient instigated a fight with him, he participated in therapy and a new medication was added.
He became more communicative and apologetic. He never wants to repeat hospitalization.

I am reading "The Bipolar Teen, What you Can do to Help your Child and Your Family". The co-authors offer numerous strategies for coping with all aspects of BP disorder. I highly recommend this book for anyone coping with a BP teen.

Are you in Denial?

Denial
From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Denial is a defense mechanism postulated by Sigmund Freud, in which a person is faced with a fact that is too uncomfortable to accept and rejects it instead, insisting that it is not true despite what may be overwhelming evidence. [1] The subject may deny the reality of the unpleasant fact altogether (simple denial), admit the fact but deny its seriousness (minimization) or admit both the fact and seriousness but deny responsibility (transference).

I am a nurturer, strongly believing in love. I love thinking any problem can be conquered with a positive outlook.

Bipolar disorder got the best of me as did denial.

My love for my son and husband would not make bipolar disorder go away. I could no longer make excuses for Dad when he knew his son’s diagnosis and still would not seek medical attention. Dad has always shown the symptoms of BP; drifting in and out of being OK, working non-stop, sleeping non-stop and self-medicating.

What it all came down to is I could not continue to be the “care giver” for my undiagnosed husband. I felt I was enabling a grown man to continue his denial. Dad would not recognize how much his denial and dysfunction hurt his son.

The night of our son's 13th birthday I locked Dad out of our home. Dad had been impatient and irritable with us all day as he was every day. In the evening when it came time to sing "Happy Birthday" and blow the candles on the cake, our son was in emotional duress. So Dad decides to threaten him with a cigarette lighter, lighting the flame and holding it close to his arm. As if this action would surely help our son enjoy his birthday cake!

I went into Mommy protector mode and never looked back. I would not allow Dad back in the house, I filed a restraining order against him on my son's behalf and I filed for divorce.

My actions forced his Dad to finally seek medical attention and counseling. Two years after our son's diagnosis, Dad, was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder.

The good news is as we are approaching our son's 18th birthday, Dad has become an advocate for mental health, his son's and his own.

If you love someone with Bipolar Disorder seek help and make a plan for recovery.

If you need more information on mood disorders the following websites offer extensive knowledge:

www.jbrf.org
www.pendulum.org
www.nami.org
www.mentalhealthamerica.net
www.bpkids.org
http://www.internationalbipolarfoundation.org

The Long Road to Diagnosis

Sam's anxiety, sadness, hyperactivity, terror, impulsiveness and aggression cycle rapidly throughout any given day.

Sam's pediatrician suggests a consult with a pediatric neurologist. The neurologist writes his observations of the exam to the Pediatrician, " Your patient, a 6 year old child with multiple difficulties was seen for an evaluation in the Pediatric Neurology Clinic on September 3, 1997. Sam was quite difficult to examine today. He was aggressive. He bit his Mother and would on occasion hit out at her. He would often run to switch the light off. He also made several attempts to go out the door. He was constantly wanting to go to the bathroom. He was also constantly interrupting, was quite fidgety and had difficulty sitting still. He was also using abusive language at times. He did calm down toward the end of the session. "

The neurologist orders a sleep-deprived EEG to rule out seizure activity in Sam's brain. Seizures can cause fits of aggression.

In the twenty minutes the EEG was hooked up to Sam's brain no seizure activity was recorded.